Hungry

This past weekend, I participated in a 2-day individual CrossFit competition for Masters athletes ages 35 and over in San Rafael, CA.

I could tell you about all of my failures and disappointments. I could make excuses and plead my case about being only 4-months postpartum. I could over-explain my performance and talk negatively about my outcomes. I could write in dramatic detail about how I cried in the middle of a heavy set workout.

I could also tell you how hard I tried in every workout and did everything I could in each workout. I could tell you how I lifted 10 pounds more in the Cluster Ladder than I thought I would. I could write about how excited I got when I strung together 6 Toes-to-Bar.

I could tell you whatever version I want to tell you. The story is up to me.

And, whatever story I decide to tell you will effect your interpretations, thoughts, and feelings.

I have a lot of power right now - I can paint a negative picture, or a positive one. I can share a Debbie Downer story, or an Inspirational Irma. I can be a whiner, complainer, victim, survivor, or victor. The choice is mine, and mine alone.

I am still processing this entire weekend, so my thoughts are actually not quite complete yet, but I can tell you that my heart is full. My sore ego that I went into this weekend with has been shaken and stirred. I was faced with a lot of internal battles and came out of the war zone hungry.

Hungry for a better me.

Hungry for change.

If we pay attention to life as it is happening to us, there will be moments that will require a different version of you. You get to choose which version that is, though, and whatever version you choose to put forth will determine the rest of what follows. I was faced with such a moment this weekend, and seeing the version of myself that I chose to move forward with was… Eye-opening.

I wouldn’t say that I am proud of myself. Nor would I say that I am disappointed in myself.

I am indifferent. This indifference has me asking a lot of questions. I want to share more with you, but I also need more time to process. As much as I want to force an inspirational blog for tonight, it would not be authentic.

I am at a stand still right now. And, that’s okay, I think often times we think we are supposed to have the answers, we’re supposed to know what to do, we’re supposed to feel a certain way, accomplish certain things at certain ages, and be a certain person.

One big takeaway I did get from this weekend is - It’s okay to be who you are right now. I’ll elaborate later, though. I have to head to the airport now to catch the red-eye back home to Ohio. Looking forward to being back in the gym with y’all.

More to come, my friends…

Kara PurvesComment